Scene
2
This is the first time we see Pearl and Thea talk to each
other, and since they’re sisters maybe pearl shouldn’t be as formal as she
would be with her other patients. E.g. when Pearl says, “You have a perfectly
healthy child.” It would be more realistic if she talks like she would talk to
her daughter normally, something like “Perfectly healthy.”
Scene
3
Concentrating on the scar can take away from what they’re
actually saying, instead of showing the audience what’s wrong with her straight
away, it would add more to the development of the short story if they figure it
out for themselves. E.g. we start by seeing an X-ray in the doctor’s office,
then whatever they talk about within each other would be in context that
there’s something wrong with her chest, which will foreshadow in the next
scenes.
It would be nice to see the doctor talk more and talk more
dominantly, it would signify whatever Yanna has it is out of her control, it
would also be unlikely to find an actor who’s willing to be in for such a minor
role.
Scene
5
The hug between the Yanna and Pearl is very well placed, it
maybe nice to add on to it more by emphasising what happened with a direct
juxtaposition. Adding some humour might help us acknowledge the hug even more.
In the script a flyer falls from her coat pocket, I assumed
she was wearing sports clothes.
Scene
8
The “smothering” of the baby in the script makes sense that
Thea would have these worries, on the other hand it’s too drastic for the
script, emotionally for the audience, it would overtake Yanna’s death later on.
I would prefer it if Thea is tearing up and just talks about how she feels
she’s not ready.
Scene
9
Is there a better or subtler way of showing her taking the
shoes? it makes her look very evil in the scene.
Scene
11 & 12
The scenes are too dramatic for the build up we already have.
It would be difficult to sell it to the audience in the amount of time given.
Instead of showing the death have a new scene or extend one we have already to
give more clues that she’s dead without actually having to showing it.
Suggestions:
·
Have a new scene with an exterior (maybe have
Yanna running, and overdoing her goal, as well as showing her struggle because
of her chest), it’s also a change from all the talking, and more visual
language is applied.
·
Yanna’s room should have more personality to it,
showing trophies interests etc. That way we see them again post death, and they
mean a lot more when the Pearl inspects the room.
·
The very beginning where the heartbeat is a
strong factor it would be nice to see that play out
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